How to Make an Online Profile for Dating Real Women

Record for emails received from one person that were never answered: 11

Most annoying emailer: sent 9 emails that were just attempts to hook up.  I finally sent an email back that said, “Sorry, you’re not my type.”  He responded with an email that said, “I’m every woman’s type… not sure what you’d base that on.”  I responded, “Your inability to send intelligent emails.”

I had to take a break from the online dating site.  In a little over two weeks, my profile has been viewed 3,344 times, I’ve received 367 emails, I’ve had 167 winks (I don’t even look at those), been favorited 89 times (I don’t look at those either), and my pictures have been liked 294 times.  So I took a hiatus.  My Vegas vacation was much needed.  I got to spend some quality time with old friends, and I’m certainly looking forward to my next trip to San Francisco this winter!  I do have a non-online date this week that I have been looking forward to, so at least there’s that.

Now, for the important stuff.  Guys – after reading 367 emails (yes, I read them all), and looking at most of the profiles, I have some advice for you.  I’ll try not to be mean, but for the people who know me best, I can sometimes be harsh – but it’s always with a smile :)  So I’ll try to sprinkle a little sugar on it this time, or not.

How to Make an Online Profile for Dating Real Women

1. Do not put up pictures of yourself where you have on sunglasses in EVERY SINGLE PICTURE.  Women are romantic, women love to imagine staring into your eyes, the windows of your soul.  Women love to imagine if your face is the face they want to see on their pillow the rest of their lives.  If you are wearing sunglasses in EVERY SINGLE PICTURE, we will think you have a lazy eye that points completely in the opposite direction of our pretty faces, or that you swapped out sunglasses for the pirate eye patch that you would normally wear in every day life.  Yarrrrr!

2.  Do not have a hat on in every single picture.  Just do it – show us what you have under that hat.  In all honestly, we don’t care if you’re bald.  We just want to know how much hair we have to run our fingers through, and if there is no hair, we want to know if there is a thrill of stubbles or smoothness like a rose petal.  We just want to know if you’re straight forward and owning your baldness, or if you’re living in denial trying to cover it up (like everything else in your life...).  If you have male pattern baldness and you’re doing your best to keep what you do have, you need to trim that sh*t.  No woman wants to date hair like Krusty the Clown. 

3. Avoid the sexy selfie.  It didn’t occur to me until a couple days online that men, inevitably, have to take selfies.  (I would be concerned if middle aged men made all their bros stop everything so they could “cute pose” in front of something that no one gave a damn about.)  Women like goofy pictures that make us imagine having fun with you.  We like casual pictures of you that make us think that we could be happy just chillin’ with you.  We are not interested in seeing what your sex face looks like.  It’s just too much.  Way too much.  Yes, women post sexy selfies all the time (me included), but that’s our thing and you shouldn’t venture into the realms of what women have already perfected.  Plus, real women are somewhat demure, and an outright Sex Face Selfie of a middle aged man makes us consider running into the arms of a 26 year old boy, because he can do that selfie soooo much better. 

4. Actually tell us about yourself in your profile.  If you have a one paragraph blurb of nothing, a real woman will assume you’re just out there looking for a hookup.  Which, is probably a large number of males out there, but a real woman truly wants to know more about you.  I have heard that men don’t really read the profiles.  If they like how you look, they will find out more when they meet you.  Not women.  A real woman looking for her match will read your profile in detail.  She will read what you like and dislike, and form opinions on whether she thinks you have something to talk about, and if there are things you would enjoy doing together.  Ultimately, she is trying to decide if what you talk about or do together will make her want to kiss you.  I’m sure there are a number of us who have jumped in the sack not caring about those things *cough cough*, but when it comes to kissing, it’s a whole different ballgame.  To a woman, kissing is intimacy.  Kissing is deciding if you could be the one, or at least, the next one.

I’m sure I will have more guy advice in the future, and I haven’t recapped my dates last week, but this is plenty for now.  Happy Hunting!