I Want to Slalom My Way Into Your Olympic Village

"I want to slalom my way into your Olympic Village.  Curling.  Freestyle. Your halfpipe, my bobsled until we luge."

Yes, that is an actual quote.  A guy friend (who is also online dating) and I we're trying to decipher this amazing message.  Obviously this person is really into winter sports.  But since this is a metaphor, the curling part concerns me.  There will be no "curling" in my lady parts.  *cringe*  Freestyle seems somewhat creative.  My halfpipe?  If he's talking about lady parts, that would be a whole pipe (hole pipe?).  His bobsled, is that the size of a two-person or four-person bobsled?  At this point I don't think I want to find out.  Until we luge - I like the luge, doubles rather than single, but definitely not the team relay!  My guy friend and I were trying to figure out the best response.  We felt like we couldn't quite compete with the original message, but decided I should at least end the message with "I want you to slapshot my short track."

Anyway, I've been a lazy dater.  I originally told myself that anyone who I had good conversation with would get a second date.  Turns out I have good conversations with everybody, so I haven't followed through more than once.  I did have to cancel a second date - to the JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE concert - because the guy started sending me passive aggressive messages like, "You'll probably find another guy before then," and "You probably don't feel the same way."  I've had my share of an insecure, controlling boyfriend, so I don't need to go down that road again.  Not even for JT.

However, there has been one bright star so far in the vast and endless online dating universe, Mr. Marketing.  He's the only person who scheduled dinner on the first date, and we stayed until close (my longest online date on record).  It was an intimate dinner at a swanky restaurant in the Warehouse District.  All other dates have been an hour or two for coffee or drinks and appetizers.  The second date was dinner again, the comedy club, and another hidden gem of an upscale bar until 2am.  For the third date, he has planned dinner and ice skating.  He's always a gentleman, always insists on picking up the check (yes I do offer), and hasn't tried to move in on the goods yet.  I give him an A so far.  He also said, "I need every weekend until we fall madly in love or realize we're not compatible."  Everyone should be stealing that line.

How to Make an Online Profile for Dating Real Women

Record for emails received from one person that were never answered: 11

Most annoying emailer: sent 9 emails that were just attempts to hook up.  I finally sent an email back that said, “Sorry, you’re not my type.”  He responded with an email that said, “I’m every woman’s type… not sure what you’d base that on.”  I responded, “Your inability to send intelligent emails.”

I had to take a break from the online dating site.  In a little over two weeks, my profile has been viewed 3,344 times, I’ve received 367 emails, I’ve had 167 winks (I don’t even look at those), been favorited 89 times (I don’t look at those either), and my pictures have been liked 294 times.  So I took a hiatus.  My Vegas vacation was much needed.  I got to spend some quality time with old friends, and I’m certainly looking forward to my next trip to San Francisco this winter!  I do have a non-online date this week that I have been looking forward to, so at least there’s that.

Now, for the important stuff.  Guys – after reading 367 emails (yes, I read them all), and looking at most of the profiles, I have some advice for you.  I’ll try not to be mean, but for the people who know me best, I can sometimes be harsh – but it’s always with a smile :)  So I’ll try to sprinkle a little sugar on it this time, or not.

How to Make an Online Profile for Dating Real Women

1. Do not put up pictures of yourself where you have on sunglasses in EVERY SINGLE PICTURE.  Women are romantic, women love to imagine staring into your eyes, the windows of your soul.  Women love to imagine if your face is the face they want to see on their pillow the rest of their lives.  If you are wearing sunglasses in EVERY SINGLE PICTURE, we will think you have a lazy eye that points completely in the opposite direction of our pretty faces, or that you swapped out sunglasses for the pirate eye patch that you would normally wear in every day life.  Yarrrrr!

2.  Do not have a hat on in every single picture.  Just do it – show us what you have under that hat.  In all honestly, we don’t care if you’re bald.  We just want to know how much hair we have to run our fingers through, and if there is no hair, we want to know if there is a thrill of stubbles or smoothness like a rose petal.  We just want to know if you’re straight forward and owning your baldness, or if you’re living in denial trying to cover it up (like everything else in your life...).  If you have male pattern baldness and you’re doing your best to keep what you do have, you need to trim that sh*t.  No woman wants to date hair like Krusty the Clown. 

3. Avoid the sexy selfie.  It didn’t occur to me until a couple days online that men, inevitably, have to take selfies.  (I would be concerned if middle aged men made all their bros stop everything so they could “cute pose” in front of something that no one gave a damn about.)  Women like goofy pictures that make us imagine having fun with you.  We like casual pictures of you that make us think that we could be happy just chillin’ with you.  We are not interested in seeing what your sex face looks like.  It’s just too much.  Way too much.  Yes, women post sexy selfies all the time (me included), but that’s our thing and you shouldn’t venture into the realms of what women have already perfected.  Plus, real women are somewhat demure, and an outright Sex Face Selfie of a middle aged man makes us consider running into the arms of a 26 year old boy, because he can do that selfie soooo much better. 

4. Actually tell us about yourself in your profile.  If you have a one paragraph blurb of nothing, a real woman will assume you’re just out there looking for a hookup.  Which, is probably a large number of males out there, but a real woman truly wants to know more about you.  I have heard that men don’t really read the profiles.  If they like how you look, they will find out more when they meet you.  Not women.  A real woman looking for her match will read your profile in detail.  She will read what you like and dislike, and form opinions on whether she thinks you have something to talk about, and if there are things you would enjoy doing together.  Ultimately, she is trying to decide if what you talk about or do together will make her want to kiss you.  I’m sure there are a number of us who have jumped in the sack not caring about those things *cough cough*, but when it comes to kissing, it’s a whole different ballgame.  To a woman, kissing is intimacy.  Kissing is deciding if you could be the one, or at least, the next one.

I’m sure I will have more guy advice in the future, and I haven’t recapped my dates last week, but this is plenty for now.  Happy Hunting!

Maybe We Should Kiss First

Funniest email:

(From a 20 yr old) “I KNOW you’re looking for a good time. Seriously, how long has it been?? Never mind, you couldn’t handle a young guy like me!”  DELETE

Most offensive email:

(From a 56 yr old) “Do you date men of color?”  Me, “Yes I do, but unfortunately, you are out of my age range.”  Him, “If you don’t want to date a man of color you can just say so.”  DELETE

Goal this week: Go on as many dates as possible for the sake of going out and meeting quality people.

So, I’ve been on an online dating site for about a week now.  There must not be a lot of fresh meat out there because my inbox got completely flooded.  I’m not sure if I should reveal what my numbers are, but I did finally have to set up an auto filter for people too far away (15+ miles), and people out of my ideal age range.  In three days, I’ve been on three online dates, and a couple other non-online dates that I promised I wouldn’t talk about :).  I have four more online dates set up over the next handful of days before I go out of town.  Vegas for four days, baby!

The dates have been pretty general so far, just an hour or two to scope things out.  One was plain vanilla, Mr. Executive.  Decent conversation, but he wants kids someday – nope!  Although, he had a good point. He said if there is some interest, it really comes down to how the first kiss goes, and that maybe, we should just kiss first and get it over with.  Smooth attempt... but looking at him made me think of kissing my plain vanilla X.  Great guys, but give me some flavored ice cream!  One was really hot, Mr. Medical Devices.  He showed up in a suit, of course.  We had a great time talking and got along well, but I may be too young for him.  He’s a bit older and I’m thinking I reminded him of his daughter, haha (gross!).  Mr. Surgery and I had a great time over beer and nachos, but we both agreed that with work, kids and living at opposite ends of the Cities, it wasn’t meant to be.  I have acquired an email buddy, Mr. Law Professor.  I get lengthy book quotes, poetry and funny life analyses on a daily basis, but he doesn’t ask me out.  Lawyers are so damn chatty…

Any emails that seem like they’re just looking for a booty call are immediately deleted.  So are emails that just say, "Hi."  I’m a 38 yr old single mom with a law degree, so the ability to have interesting conversations is a requirement.  I guess my notion of “attractiveness” is quite different than when I was young and kid-free.  I’m so glad I’m not in my 20s/early 30s anymore, because - who would want to repeat that trainwreck?! ;)

My Life is a Joke and I'm the Punch Line

Well, within 48 hours of being on an online dating site, my x-husband found me and emailed me with a subject line that said, “Oh my God you look like my X!”  Life is a joke and I seem to be the punch line…  Should I tell him he looks better without his glasses and that his profile has a hint of anger to it?  Nah!  Women like a fixer-upper :).

I’ve been trying to get through profiles, emails, winks, favorites, likes, and there are just too many sources for information.  I feel like I walked into the Walmart of the dating world.  It feels a little grimy, there are a lot of crazies, there are too many choices, and is the clearance section even worth looking at?  

I set up a few coffee dates for the week.  However, they both suggested meeting at the SAME. EXACT. RESTAURANT.  I will be going to “Restaurant X” for coffee dates on consecutive days.  I feel like I should have some moral epiphany about going on back to back dates at the same exact place.  But no.  Restaurant X is also the place of my first date with my last boyfriend, so I’ve decided to do a social experiment.  Going to Restaurant X with Online Date #1 and Online Date #2 will either tell me that the restaurant is a place where royal douchebags like to go, or just that my last boyfriend was a royal douchebag.  I think we all know the answer to that one.  And I’m really hoping that Restaurant X changes their staff on a daily basis. 

Equal Rights for Side-Boob

Yes, you read that right.  This is a diary of my adventures in online dating.  I’m a kick-ass, newly divorced, single mom, and it’s time to get out there and meet some quality men.  Or, not meet quality men and hopefully have some hilarious stories to tell.  I plan to keep my matches and dates anonymous, mostly because I will probably be making fun of them.  And, I will try my best to quell my cynical tongue as I weed through dates that were entertaining and dates that never should have happened (a.k a. dates where I was probably too tipsy and dates where I should have stayed home watching reruns of Grey’s Anatomy).  So here we go…

THE PROFILE

                Writing up an explanation of myself wasn’t that hard for me to do.  I know myself very well, I’m opinionated, and I know how to say what I want (today we will ignore the fact that what I want changes… fairly often… like the wind).  I was more uncomfortable posting pictures of myself.  You never know what kind of whacko stalkers are going to appear if you upload nice pictures.  So for my own entertainment, and yours, and in the interest of possibly good stalker stories, I posted some bikini pics along with my regular pics.  Unfortunately, one of the bikini pics was not approved.  I guess too much side-boob is not acceptable on the dating site.  LAME!!!  I disagree with their discrimination of side-boob from cleavage.  All orientations of cleavage deserve equal rights.  What is the purpose of freedom if we are not fighting for equality?  Equal rights for side-boob.

                So, I finished my profile and made it public before going to work this morning.  I didn’t know what to expect.  Even sans side-boob, I think I did ok.  I have a good amount of emails, winks and favorites to go through.  I feel like I have to read every single profile in detail before responding, but I really just want to take 10 seconds to breeze through their pics and make a snap judgment that is nowhere near accurate.  I’m just so torn.  Ok I lied.  This is totally about snap judgments.  I’m two drinks in and I just want to watch Netflix, instead of intently searching through profiles to find my knight in shining armor.  My prediction is that most are just douchebags in tinfoil.   But hey – life’s an adventure!